Early on with my life I struggled with an Autism and Anxiety disorder diagnosis. Today, they have both either gone into remission or were seen as misdiagnosis.
Before revaluation of my two conditions. I studied really hard on how to talk to people. Here are some ideas.
1. Assume that every person wants to connect (From Nicholas Epley)
Nicholas Epley conducted famous experiments on Chicago commuters, asking them to predict how a conversation with a stranger on a train would go. Consistently, people predicted it would be awkward, that the stranger wouldn't want to talk, and that their commute would be ruined.
The exact opposite happened. The commuters who talked to strangers reported having the happiest commutes of all.
Realize that another way that we are biased to not talking to strangers was decades of "stranger danger" campaigns.
For most of human history, humans were remarkably hospitable to strangers. Survival depended on trade, information-sharing, and alliances with outsiders. So trust your instincts and first believe that it is remarkably easy to talk to strangers, it is in our DNA.
2. Ditch "How Are You?" (From The Fine Art of Small Talk - Debra Fine)
"How are you?" or "How have you been?" places a burden on the other person. It forces them to either lie ("Fine") or dump their actual problems on a stranger.
Our job is to take the burden off the guest by offering information that guest can bounce off, off. Some tecniques include
2.1 Anchor in the Shared Reality
"You made it in right before the rain started, I guess you are trapped here will it stops"
"I recognize you but I forgot your name"
"I wish I had shoes as cool as yours"
2.2 Offer "Free Information"
Never give a one-word answer, and never ask a question that requires one. If a guest asks,
"Is it busy tonight?" don't just say "Yes."
Say, "It is! We had a massive rush right at 6:00, been tiring I've been working 6 days straight. Are you heading somewhere after this, or you heading home after this?"
You just gave them three different things to respond to.
3. Replacing Assumption with Curiosity (You're Not Listening - Kate Murphy)
Murphy advises treating every interaction with the curiosity of an investigative journalist.
Do not assume you know why they are there.
After serving 1,000 tables, I might assume I know exactly how table 1,001 is going to act. I was almost always wrong.
When it was busy one night, I apologize pre-emptively for being slow to seat the guest. They said they came because they heard from a friend it was busy. By pre-emptively apologizing, I suggested a mistake that was not in the guests minds.
There are other ideas I would like to share, but I think this is a good staring point.
First believe that you can actually talk to people.
Second, Share as much information as you can.
Last, don't make assumptions, and always be curious.